Slipping back into oblivion.

I was going to post another blog on here about how God is so amazing and be all inspirational and stuff, but then I realized that would be a lie.

The truth is, I haven't been doing a whole lot of talking to God, or even thinking about Him.

I have two books I started reading, and I haven't even cracked them open in about two weeks.  I skipped church on Sunday morning because I needed to catch up on sleep after an exhausting weekend, and then I skipped church Wednesday night because I was hanging out with friends.

I want to have a rock-solid relationship with God, I just don't want to do the leg work required to have it.  I'm sure if I think about this long enough, I'll come up with a very self-analytical reason for ignoring God, because that's what I do.

The truth is, self analyzing is not going to get me anywhere.  And usually when I do this, I'm just trying to avoid the issue at hand anyway.

I find it ironic that I was telling someone not that long ago that although I wake up two hours before I have to be at work in the morning, I still don't make time for God.  My reason was that the first thing I do when I wake up is get online and check Facebook and Twitter, and read celebrity stories on E! online and People.  Then, this week, my phone mysteriously lost it's 3G internet connection and I can't use internet on it at all.  I'm paying $30/month for this feature, and yet I still don't have internet.

Is this God trying to get me to spend a little time with Him every morning?  Sounds like it.  The bad thing is that even though I'm not getting online every morning, I'm still not making that time.

I think it's time for me to just MAKE myself focus on God.  What I want to have and what I want to do in order to GET what I want are very different right now, and I am the only one who can change that.

Giving Thanks

     I wrote this Thanksgiving night, but this is the first time I've gotten to a computer with internet since then.

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Be joyous always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this  is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)

     I have so much for which to be thankful.  God has blessed my life in so many ways, many of which I never even thought would ever actually happen.

     The people in my life are amazing.  I have truly wonderful friends.  Friends who have been there for me through think and thin.  These are people who truly want the best for me, and I can only hope that I will be able to someday bless their lives even half as much as they have blessed mine.

     My family is amazing and has supported me through so much, especially in the past few years.  I tried for a long time to get away from family, but now I am realizing how much I need family around me. 

     Then there are people I thought were gone from my life forever.  Through circumstances, mostly of my own making, I distanced myself from these wonderful people, taking for granted all the things they had done and tried to do for me.  This is where I really started to see God working in my life.  He brought a couple of the people who had meant so much to me a few years before back into my life during a rough time.  I was shocked – I really thought I had lost these people for good.

     And then, against all odds, someone I had worked really hard to alienate started reaching out to me.  I was beginning to regret the way I had treated him years ago, but was too stubborn to take the first step.  Several months after this, my only regret is that I missed out on so much because I stubbornly decided to hate him from the very beginning, just because I was too afraid of “starting over” again to give him a fair chance.

     Now that God has shown himself to me in far more ways than I could ever even begin to mention on here, and I have trying to start a relationship with Him, it is the people who I never thought I would never talk to again are the ones giving me the most insight into a spiritual journey.  This, in and of itself would be enough to leave me amazed.  And even if I were to try to take credit, somehow, for all of this having come to pass, I know that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

     Still, the best and most wonderful blessing I could ever imagine is the truly amazing grace and love of God.  Despite everything I have done, and all the time I have spent running away from Him, He still loves me and welcomes me back with open arms.  What else could I possibly ask?

     Regardless of anything else that might happen in my life, I know that I always have God.  This realization gives me a kind of peace I have never known before.  Experience has taught me that I am not really the best at running my life.  Plus, when it really comes down to it, I don’t even like to be in charge.  I really like having someone to turn to if I need help.  Now, I always have Someone to guide me.

     I cling to the promise that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 1:6)  With God, my failures and inadequacies are nothing.  With God, all things are possible, and it is my goal now to use my life to honor Him.

God is so good to me

I had an epiphany last night.
(I also really like that word.)

I have been kind of "ignoring" the whole issue of God lately.  I don't have any mental reservations anymore - they have all been broken down.  Emotionally, I don't have any reason to avoid this.  It's just - I just keep putting the whole thing off for a little while longer.
I think I'm waiting for God to do something to get my attention again.  And in my mind, this means something bad.  I'm waiting for everything to fall apart, and have an emotional breakdown.  In my mind, that's how God gets my attention.

I was wrong.  God has been trying to get my attention for a while, in smaller ways.  Last night, I realized this.

There are a lot of people who have kind of walked in and out of my life.  In many cases, I'm sure that I did a lot of the walking out.  Regardless, now that I've kind of stepped back from all of these situations and am less emotionally involved, I'm getting a little nostalgic.
There are a lot of people I don't really talk to, who I used to be close to, and whom I would like to be closer to again. 

Last night I got a chance to talk to two people who made a big impact in my life when I was younger, and who I kind of miss being around lately.  It wasn't even a big thing.  But as I was driving home, I suddenly realized that "Wow, God is so amazing to give me the chance to talk to them again.  I am so blessed to be able to have these conversations with people whom I trust and with whom I am able to be honest and transparent because they already know the really bad stuff that I like to hide from people."
Then and there, I prayed and thanked God.

I don't have to wait for God bring me to the bottom for me to see him working in my life. 

I don't need to wait for some big sign for me to realize that God is real and that he loves me and will always take care of me.  However, being as stubborn - and to be completely honest, utterly terrified - as I am, it usually takes quite a few times for something to actually get through to me.


I've avoided the entire subject for a while, and now I think I'm starting to stop avoiding it.  I've felt like I need to get rid of anything wrong in my life before I can really have a relationship with God.  Mentally, I know that this isn't the way it works, but it's one of the emotional roadblocks that I've thrown up.
I'm scared of starting anything new, especially anything this big and life changing.  Even if it's a good thing.

Striggling with new faith

I feel kind of lost.  Which is pretty ironic, considering that the main reason I’m so confused is because I decided to give up all of my reservations and trust God to be the Lord of my life.

It’s harder than I’d hoped.  I guess I wanted this to be something that just made everything easier and better all at once. 

Nothing in life works like that, and I should have known that by now.

Having made this decision, I thought I was going to make everything simple and better.

Instead I feel like everything has gotten more complicated.

I'm not very good with time management, and I'm overwhelmed with my work schedule.  This is mostly my fault because I just don't manage my time well.  That's something on which I'm trying to improve.

Still, I find myself over and over again putting off spending time with God because I'm too tired.  I haven't been making a point to spend time with God and work on my relationship.

My priorities are out of line, because I keep saying that I need to get things in order first, but I know that in order to really get my life in order, I need to spend time with God.

It's hard for me NOT to view Christianity as a big long list of things I shouldn't do.  I'm not talking about "bad" things.  Just little things here and there that I am not sure whether or not I should continue to do.  

Music.  Should I only listen to Christian music?

Is it wrong to go out with my friends?

Is it wrong to drink, if I don't get drunk?

I don't really know.  My mind has problems separating the years of faking Christianity from me currently trying to live the real thing.

This is new for me, and I don't really know how to proceed.

Diving In

I’ve been fighting this for a long time. 

First, I ran away from everything I’d been taught my whole life in an attempt to get some perspective and figure out what I actually thought and believed myself instead of just accepting what was told to me.

This continued for years.  I desperately wanted to be an atheist, but I couldn’t reject everything that completely, so I settled for agnosticism.  My definition of this was that I didn’t believe there was a way to know whether or not there was a God.

Four or five years ago, someone told me to keep my heard and mind open, because God could be found in both.  I kept both open until I found God in both, and then I did a 180 degree turn and pretended I hadn’t seen it.

I have changed a lot from when I was fifteen and first discovered that there really were other belief systems in the world and that Christianity wasn’t the only option.  I’ve had quite a few people in my life who have forever changed the way I think.  I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt people.  I’ve graduated from high school (which I never thought would happen, because I was convinced I would kill myself before I got that far in life). 

I’ve come through a lot.  I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and made a lot of mistakes. 

I’ve come through everything, and I’m still here. 

It is true that it’s possible that I’ve just been lucky.  But it seems to me like someone must be looking out for me.  God must have been looking out for me.  He protected me from myself over and over.  He saved me and everyone else when I was too drunk to know what was happening.  He has always made a way for me.

I’ve been to my breaking point more than once, and I’ve always come back. 

I feel blessed.

Songs that I’ve heard my whole life suddenly have new meaning.  Songs I don’t even like are stuck in my head.  Twila Paris’ “God Is in Control”, Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Dive”, Superchic[k]’s “Help Me Out God”.  All of the sudden it’s like I understand.

God has put people in my life who will not let me give up on my spiritual search, and He has been working on my heart at the same time, making me more receptive.  Even so, I’m very stubborn and hard-headed. 

I had a very long list of reasons not to accept Christianity, and one by one they have all been refuted.  Then I had another list, this time a list of reasons I didn’t want to surrender.  I’ve been forced to see the stupidity in each of these.  All that remained was my simple stubbornness.

What changed?

I’ve been avoiding actually thinking about this all day.  I got called into work early, and got off late.  I came home and turned on the TV.  I watched TV all day.  I tend to always have some kind of noise on in my apartment, mostly because I don’t like silence.  The reason I don’t like silence is because then I am left alone with my thoughts, and I’m not really comfortable with that.  I’m getting better.  I think I’m trying to train myself to be a little less scared of silence, and of myself.

But anyway, I’ve spent the afternoon sitting on the couch watching TV to avoid dealing with the many thoughts on my mind.

At about eight o’clock, my GM called me and asked me to come in early again tomorrow.  I was pretty much expecting that.  However, he also told me that one of my co-workers had to go to the emergency room because he cut his hand at his second job and so probably would not be at work in the morning.

This coworker is one of my friends.  Instantly, the worry switch in my mind was flipped.  I worry a lot.  And I knew I had to DO something.  There wasn’t anything I could do for him, really.  But I just felt like I had to go somewhere or something. 

Not really sure what I was going to do, I left my apartment.  I started driving.  At some point I knew I was going to buy some more cigarettes so I wouldn’t have to do so in the morning. 

As I was driving, I suddenly realized that I was borderline suicidal.  I started thinking about what would happen if I just crashed into a tree or light pole.  As always, I figured I probably wouldn’t die.  And being afraid of surviving has kept me from trying to kill myself many times in the past.  Still, the realization that I even had the thoughts scared the crap out of me.

I didn’t even know where it came from, but it was a kind of wake up call for me.

I started praying, telling God that I just couldn’t do it anymore, that I didn’t know what I was doing in any area of my life or what I was going to do.  I’m tired of feeling lost and alone and I’m tired of worrying all the time and not being about to do anything.  At least if I pray and put the issue – whatever it is – in God’s hands, it’s not weighing on me quite so much anymore.

This was Tuesday night.  It is now Friday afternoon.

Over the past few days, I feel myself getting more comfortable with the idea of trusting God.  There are areas in my life in which I can already feel Him working.  I am stressed out and overwhelmed with work, but underneath it all I have a sense of peace, and I know that everything is going to be okay.

Stubborness

10.10.09

I’m very tempted to give up on this whole God issue altogether.  I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it is.  I had so many intellectual reservations, and they have all been taken care of.  More than that, I am fully aware that I apparently kind of suck at running my own life and am more than willing to accept that God could run my life much better.

Overall, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing with my life.  I still feel like a lost little girl far too much of the time.  I’m 21 years old now, I have my own apartment, I support myself, and I’m a shift leader at my job.  It feels like a charade though.  This is not who I want to be – or maybe it’s just not who I really am. 

So, knowing all of this, why do I continue to refuse to let go and let God take over?  I wish I could say that I don’t know.  I do know.  I know exactly why I am being so stubborn.

Last year I made a lot of stupid decisions.  Ramifications of these problems continue to pop up even now, usually out of the blue.  I’m trying to distance myself from the person I was last summer.  That is not how I want to be known.

However – and this is going to sound pretty stupid after having said that – there is this one little aspect I’m having a lot of trouble letting go.  I did a really good job of it for a while.  I put it behind me completely…and then, in the last month or two, it has come back as things so often tend to do.

I buckled.  What can I say, I’m still young and stupid, and apparently incapable of sticking to my resolution to be a better person.

Now the issue is that I’m really struggling with even making that resolution again.  I know what I need to do, what I should do.  But then there are times that what I want to do just seems so much stronger.  I can make excuses really, really well.  I know my arguments, and I can always talk myself out of doing what’s right. 

There are so many reasons not to keep this issue alive.  My close friends don’t want me to – and this is something I simply avoid telling them because I don’t want to deal with the fight that will ensue.  These are people who really care about me, and I choose to keep things from them because I know what I’m doing is wrong.

There are far more rumors going around about me than I would like.  I’m trying to ignore and hoping everything will eventually blow over, that people will forget.  So, tell me, please, why am I even thinking about doing something that, if it were to get out –and everything always does, and I don’t know how – would start everything all over again.

I don’t understand why I’m even thinking about this.  It seems like a no brainer.  Don’t do it.

I need to just make up my mind, and stick to my resolution.  If I really decide that I don’t want to do something I know that I can stick to that.  I can be very strong willed – the problem here is that I find it so difficult to make up my mind in the first place.

This is the main reason I don’t want to surrender.  I know it’s wrong, but I haven’t completely decided not to keep it up.  There are about 20 different reasons to quit, but I still don’t know what I’m going to do. 

I guess by writing this and putting it out there for people to read, I’m doing something.  It might be a huge mistake.

But since I don’t know what I’m doing in most areas of my life, why should this blog be any different?

That’s not the only issue with my refusal to give in to God.

I don’t want to admit to everyone that I was wrong. 

I don’t want to get up in front of people. 

I want this to be private.  I am aware that if I have a real relationship with God I need to share it. 

It is also very likely that the reason I’ve slacked off lately is because going any further takes me somewhere from where I cannot come back.  I’m on the brink, but I’m hesitating to go any farther.  I think I’m scared.

Scared and stubborn seems to be a really bad combination for me.

I wrote the above on Monday, after talking myself out of going to church before work on Sunday morning.

Then on Tuesday, Kayla’s baby was born.  Logan Andrew.

I can’t explain it, but something has happened.  I love him.  I’m looking forward to watching him grow up.  If I hadn’t already given up the idea of always having suicide as a back-door option, I would have now.

I’m not sure what the resolution in this is, but there is one, I know it. 

I keep thinking of it as a miracle, the whole idea of childbirth.  My hard shell is being cracked, a little at a time.  I’m not so cynical anymore.  A while back I realized that I believe in love and hope that I find it.  I’m not living like I expect to die soon anymore.  I’m actually looking forward to having a future now, for the first time in close to ten years. 

This is a miracle in itself, I think.

I found a playlist on my iPod today as I was lying around, trying to motivate myself to start working on my long to-do list.  I don’t remember making it, but scrolling through it I knew it was a list of songs I like to listen to when I’m, shall we say, less happy.  I put it on shuffle and started listening to it, and it’s amazing.  Exactly what I wanted to hear.

On song, Pedestal by BarlowGirl, really hit home.  I am well aware that I have a very strong tendency to put people that I look up to on a pedestal and expect too much from them.  Then, when they cannot hold up my impossible standards that I usually don’t even realize I have for them, I get hurt.  Over and over again I’ve done this, and I only recently realized it.

I always liked that song, but it just hit me today that maybe there is a solution in the lyrics.  The whole point of the song is that no one is guaranteed to never let me down, except for God.

Having had this epiphany, I know that I should DO something about it.

I kept thinking about God and what I’m going to do about what I know and now somewhat believe.  But thinking about it isn’t enough.  I need to take this leap of faith, to surrender everything and know that God will take care of me.  It scares the crap out of me.  I’m kind of a control freak, and there are still some things I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to give up.

Surrender

I think I had good intentions when I started this blog.  I really do.  But then, the more I’ve thought about it, I realized it is actually more of a way of looking at God and the Bible from an intellectual perspective. 

It’s safer for me that way.  Really, honestly starting – or renewing – a relationship with God is much harder for me, and requires a lot of emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is not something with which I am comfortable.  I’m emotionally insecure anyway.

Sunday, a lot of things came up for me at work; things that I thought I had put behind me.  It was a really tough day for me.  Quite a few things went wrong at work, on top of feeling like I’d been slapped in the face by some rumors about me that I thought were over.  All in all, I had a really long and difficult day.

Then there was yet another situation, something I'd prayed about the last time it came up.  God took care of the situation then, and when it came up again Sunday night, God took care of it then too.  I was amazed.  God protected me even when I was afraid to let him have control of my life.

Monday night I was thinking about all of this, and more.  I realized a couple of things.

First, I realized that I am not very good at controlling my life.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I feel very lost and scared.  I’m not good at dealing with the unknown – I like to know what’s going to happen, to have a plan written down, and to be able to stick to that plan.  And right now, my life has far too many areas of uncertainty for my comfort.

Second, I really shouldn't take a whole lot of credit for my life having worked out so far.  While it is true that everything has worked out thus far, I’m not sure how much of that is really due to me.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my short life, and God has been looking out for me.  There’s no other explanation.  God has saved me from many things, including myself, and He must have a reason for that.  And if He loves me that much, then why shouldn't I trust Him enough to give Him complete control over my life?

So I finally broke down Monday night.  (While watching The Hannah Montana movie. O.o)  This breaking point was not the lowest I’ve ever been, and for that I am grateful.  Still, I broke down and gave up.  I can’t do this.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I need help.

I have to trust God. 

Surrender has been something that has scared me.  I don’t want to be willing to surrender everything, because I’m afraid God might want me to give up something that I don’t want to give up.  In the end though, I believe that whatever God asks me to give up with be for the best.  I trust Him.

This is something with which I am still struggling.  I am something of a control freak, and the idea of letting go of all of this drama going on right now is very difficult for me to grasp.  I feel like I need to be doing damage control for my reputation, but at the same time I know that I really need to let go of all of this, stop holding grudges, and move on.

I’m tired of the roller coaster I’ve been riding for so long.  Up, down, up down, up, down.  It never seems to end.  When things go great for a while, they always come crashing down.  There seems to be a equal or greater low for every high.  And I'm sick of it.  I can’t do this anymore.

I just gave up.

But I’m not sure how to do this.  I don’t know how to surrender.  It’s something I’m talking to God about a lot lately.

I don’t really like to do things I can’t win.  I am very competitive.  I don’t like to lose.  But when I come back to God and church, I don’t even know how to play.  I’m trying to figure out what to do, and I don’t have any idea where to start.

It’s very scary for me. 

Salvation – How do we achieve it, and can it be lost?

There are a lot of phrases that are overused in the Southern Baptist world.  Phrases like “saved” and “come to Jesus” seem to make it easy to miss the point entirely.

What does it really mean to “get saved”?  When I was growing up, it meant walking down the Romans Road (Romans 3:23, 6:23, 5:8, 10:13, 10:9-10, and Revelation 3:20), which ended with praying a prayer that went something like “Dear Jesus, I realize that I am a sinner and that the wages of sin is death.  I believe that you died on the cross to forgive my sins, and I accept you into my heart as my Lord and Savior.  Amen.”

Maybe this is something special to me, but I think I really missed the point here.  I guess I took this as ‘Ok, I pray this prayer and really mean it and then Jesus comes to live in my heart and everything is spectacular.  Oh yeah, and I’ll be super pumped about Jesus and want to tell everyone, and Jesus will talk to my heart and I won’t have to deal with the tough questions in life because Jesus will take care of all of that.’

Is that really so wrong?

As I’m reading the Bible now, at age twenty-one, six years after I decided I didn’t want to believe in God anymore and after having been out of church for three years, I suddenly realize that there is a lot I missed.

The premise might have been right, but I never really GOT what all of this meant.

Is this a problem with the message itself, or with the way I perceived it?

I can vaguely remember being three years old and telling my mom, as she was leaving my room after tucking me into bed, “I want to get saved.”

That night I prayed the prayer with my mom, and then I was baptized. 

But I was only three. 

What three year old do you know who can really grasp the concepts written in the Bible?  All I knew what the simple facts.  You know, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”  And, as it turns out, my knowledge did not increase proportionally with my age. 

Is the concept of salvation something that can really be understood by someone so young?  I know that Jesus said “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”  (Mark 10:14)  But it says “such as these”.  It does not say the kingdom of God belongs to little children, but that it belongs to those LIKE little children.  Childlike faith does not necessarily come from a child.  Right?

When I was in middle and high school, I knew something was wrong.  Ryan Fontenot was the youth leader at my church when I was in 7^th grade.  Anyone who has been fortunate enough to have heard him speak knows that he is an incredible evangelist.  I heard this evangelical message week after week after week, and I always felt that something was wrong with me.  Like, somehow I had done it wrong.  I must have prayed incorrectly or not really believed, because I certainly didn’t feel saved.

I remember countless nights lying in bed praying, and often crying, for God to save me.

And every night, I felt like my prayers bounced of the ceiling. 

The more I think about it now, I realize that it wasn’t the message I heard growing up that was so wrong, but simply my understanding of it.

I misinterpreted everything about church, and came to loathe it.  I rejected Church –and God – because I felt like I had been rejected first. 

Being the good church kid was so EASY.  I knew I was faking, but it was easier to pretend, even to myself, that it was real.  Besides, being a leader in the youth group didn’t necessarily mean having such a great relationship with God; all I had to do was be at every youth function, participate in class, and know all the answers.

I had far too much pride to admit to anyone that there was something wrong with me or I had been praying the prayer wrong for years.

The simple phrases like “getting saved” seem to miss the point of what “salvation” really is.

It seems to me, based on what I’ve been reading, that the point of a relationship with Christ is not supposed to be about saving ourselves from eternal damnation.  The point is supposed to be to serve and honor God because He created us in His image (Genesis 1:27) to do so.  Salvation is simply a result of this.

Am I wrong here?

I’ve been reading the conversation between Jesus and the rich young man over and over. 

Matthew 19:16-30

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied.  “There is only One who is good.  If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man inquired.

Jesus replied, “’Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“All these I have kept,” the young man said, “What do I still lack?”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you!  What then will there be for us?”

Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And every one who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children of fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This same conversation is also in Mark 10:17-31 and Luke 18:18-34.

This seems extremely straightforward.  Do not approach Jesus solely as a means of saving yourself.  Rather, give up everything in order to follow Him, and as a result of focusing completely on THIS goal, you will accomplish the other because you will have a place saved for you in Heaven.

Straightforward, yes.  What I want to hear?  Absolutely not.

When I was three years old, I had no capacity to understand this.  When I was thirteen, I may have had the capacity to understand this, but I did not understand it.  When I was fifteen and gave up on God, I still did not understand this.  Now I am twenty-one, and I still don’t know if I completely understand this idea, but I think I’m closer to that point than I was before.

`

But there is more about salvation in the Bible.

1 John 4:15-16

“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”

1 John 5:10-12

“Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart.  Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son.  And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.  He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”

My interpretation of this is that all we have to do is believe in God.  This is in line with everything I’ve ever heard, but does NOT seem to line up with the teaching of Jesus.  How is that possible?  I must be misinterpreting something wrong.

There are other verses that I could pull up that would support either of these arguments, but I hope that my point has been made clear. 

I really am looking for answers and not just trying to point out issues with the Bible. 

And here is another problem that I find with the idea presented by Jesus’ words:

Can salvation be lost?

From what I’ve always heard, once a Child of God, always a Child of God. (Like in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe: “Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia.”  I’m pretty sure that C.S. Lewis was alluding to salvation here, but I could be wrong.)

Is it possible to really, honestly believe in the Son of God and then to – just not?  Can true faith ever be lost?  Is it possible for Satan to steal God’s children? 

Drawing from the Gospels, is it possible to surrender your life to God and to later UN-surrender your life? 

And if this is possible, what would happen when you die?  When you stand before God at your judgment day, what would happen?  Is it just that you have to be at the right place in your heart when you die, kind of a luck of the draw kind of thing, (except without luck since God is omniscient and omnipotent, which kind of makes luck null and void)?

I still wonder “what is wrong with me”.  Why do I find these things so hard to comprehend, when I see so many people around me able to accept this with no problem – people much younger than I am, and who have had much less exposure to this message.  Why can’t I just accept it?  Why do I have all these questions?

If anything here is unclear, let me know and I will do my best to clarify.

If anyone has any thoughts on anything I’ve talked about here, please do not hesitate to share them.  All ideas are welcome and appreciated. 

It is my hope that some discussions will arise from this blog, because I really do long for theological discussion in which I can be open and honest, and not be judged. 

Discovering the Truth

I've been doing a lot of thinking about God, and the Bible, and everything that I've heard my whole life regarding Christianity and Church.  I've been reading the New Testament quite a bit in the last week or two, and I'm discovering some interesting facts.
First, I am amazed at the number of verses that I have memorized incorrectly.  As I go through the New Testament and read verses that I've heard my whole life and had memorized for years, I'm really surprised at how many of them I have NOT memorized word for word as I thought I had.
Second, moreso even than having missed a word or two here and there (which really bothers me mostly because  I'm a little anal retentive sometimes...), as I actually read these verses in the context in which they were written - and intended to be read - I get a whole new perspective on them.
I've become fairly adept at taking verses of Scripture out of context and twisting it, so that I am able to use it in arguments or whatnot.  But now, going through the words of Paul and actually reading it, with the intention of - I don't know exactly.  Would it sound really corny or cliche if I said I am trying to find God?
Anyway, the point is that I am reading the Bible with good intentions.
And as I do this, I am making notes and using post its, and really finding a lot of interesting things.  Many things that I have heard my whole life, growing up in Southern Baptist churches, do not seem to be backed up by Scripture.

I will bring up specific instances of this in future posts.


I don't really know what the *purpose* of this blog is, or if anyone is going to read it.  However, I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, and I need an outlet for them.  Plus, I learned many years ago that the best way for me to sort through an overwhelming number of complex thoughts is to write them down.