Giving Thanks

     I wrote this Thanksgiving night, but this is the first time I've gotten to a computer with internet since then.

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Be joyous always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this  is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.  (1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18)

     I have so much for which to be thankful.  God has blessed my life in so many ways, many of which I never even thought would ever actually happen.

     The people in my life are amazing.  I have truly wonderful friends.  Friends who have been there for me through think and thin.  These are people who truly want the best for me, and I can only hope that I will be able to someday bless their lives even half as much as they have blessed mine.

     My family is amazing and has supported me through so much, especially in the past few years.  I tried for a long time to get away from family, but now I am realizing how much I need family around me. 

     Then there are people I thought were gone from my life forever.  Through circumstances, mostly of my own making, I distanced myself from these wonderful people, taking for granted all the things they had done and tried to do for me.  This is where I really started to see God working in my life.  He brought a couple of the people who had meant so much to me a few years before back into my life during a rough time.  I was shocked – I really thought I had lost these people for good.

     And then, against all odds, someone I had worked really hard to alienate started reaching out to me.  I was beginning to regret the way I had treated him years ago, but was too stubborn to take the first step.  Several months after this, my only regret is that I missed out on so much because I stubbornly decided to hate him from the very beginning, just because I was too afraid of “starting over” again to give him a fair chance.

     Now that God has shown himself to me in far more ways than I could ever even begin to mention on here, and I have trying to start a relationship with Him, it is the people who I never thought I would never talk to again are the ones giving me the most insight into a spiritual journey.  This, in and of itself would be enough to leave me amazed.  And even if I were to try to take credit, somehow, for all of this having come to pass, I know that “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” (James 1:17)

     Still, the best and most wonderful blessing I could ever imagine is the truly amazing grace and love of God.  Despite everything I have done, and all the time I have spent running away from Him, He still loves me and welcomes me back with open arms.  What else could I possibly ask?

     Regardless of anything else that might happen in my life, I know that I always have God.  This realization gives me a kind of peace I have never known before.  Experience has taught me that I am not really the best at running my life.  Plus, when it really comes down to it, I don’t even like to be in charge.  I really like having someone to turn to if I need help.  Now, I always have Someone to guide me.

     I cling to the promise that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”  (Philippians 1:6)  With God, my failures and inadequacies are nothing.  With God, all things are possible, and it is my goal now to use my life to honor Him.

God is so good to me

I had an epiphany last night.
(I also really like that word.)

I have been kind of "ignoring" the whole issue of God lately.  I don't have any mental reservations anymore - they have all been broken down.  Emotionally, I don't have any reason to avoid this.  It's just - I just keep putting the whole thing off for a little while longer.
I think I'm waiting for God to do something to get my attention again.  And in my mind, this means something bad.  I'm waiting for everything to fall apart, and have an emotional breakdown.  In my mind, that's how God gets my attention.

I was wrong.  God has been trying to get my attention for a while, in smaller ways.  Last night, I realized this.

There are a lot of people who have kind of walked in and out of my life.  In many cases, I'm sure that I did a lot of the walking out.  Regardless, now that I've kind of stepped back from all of these situations and am less emotionally involved, I'm getting a little nostalgic.
There are a lot of people I don't really talk to, who I used to be close to, and whom I would like to be closer to again. 

Last night I got a chance to talk to two people who made a big impact in my life when I was younger, and who I kind of miss being around lately.  It wasn't even a big thing.  But as I was driving home, I suddenly realized that "Wow, God is so amazing to give me the chance to talk to them again.  I am so blessed to be able to have these conversations with people whom I trust and with whom I am able to be honest and transparent because they already know the really bad stuff that I like to hide from people."
Then and there, I prayed and thanked God.

I don't have to wait for God bring me to the bottom for me to see him working in my life. 

I don't need to wait for some big sign for me to realize that God is real and that he loves me and will always take care of me.  However, being as stubborn - and to be completely honest, utterly terrified - as I am, it usually takes quite a few times for something to actually get through to me.


I've avoided the entire subject for a while, and now I think I'm starting to stop avoiding it.  I've felt like I need to get rid of anything wrong in my life before I can really have a relationship with God.  Mentally, I know that this isn't the way it works, but it's one of the emotional roadblocks that I've thrown up.
I'm scared of starting anything new, especially anything this big and life changing.  Even if it's a good thing.

Striggling with new faith

I feel kind of lost.  Which is pretty ironic, considering that the main reason I’m so confused is because I decided to give up all of my reservations and trust God to be the Lord of my life.

It’s harder than I’d hoped.  I guess I wanted this to be something that just made everything easier and better all at once. 

Nothing in life works like that, and I should have known that by now.

Having made this decision, I thought I was going to make everything simple and better.

Instead I feel like everything has gotten more complicated.

I'm not very good with time management, and I'm overwhelmed with my work schedule.  This is mostly my fault because I just don't manage my time well.  That's something on which I'm trying to improve.

Still, I find myself over and over again putting off spending time with God because I'm too tired.  I haven't been making a point to spend time with God and work on my relationship.

My priorities are out of line, because I keep saying that I need to get things in order first, but I know that in order to really get my life in order, I need to spend time with God.

It's hard for me NOT to view Christianity as a big long list of things I shouldn't do.  I'm not talking about "bad" things.  Just little things here and there that I am not sure whether or not I should continue to do.  

Music.  Should I only listen to Christian music?

Is it wrong to go out with my friends?

Is it wrong to drink, if I don't get drunk?

I don't really know.  My mind has problems separating the years of faking Christianity from me currently trying to live the real thing.

This is new for me, and I don't really know how to proceed.