Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
What will people think if they hear that I'm a Jesus freak? What will people do if they find out it's true?
It's been a while since I've been on here. I've thought about it, but I couldn't really think of much to say, because I just don't have much to say about all things spiritual. Lately I've been working ever Sunday morning and night, and Wednesday night, so I haven't been able to go to church. I miss it.
Wednesday night, I requested off work nearly a month in advance because I was determined not to miss the appointment service for some people from church who are going to South America as missionaries.
The reason that it was so important to me that I go was that I was afraid it might be the last time I got to see them before they left, and I didn't want to miss out on that.
I've been trying to avoid thinking about them leaving for a while now, because to put it simply, I didn't want to deal with the fact that they are moving far away. However, during the ceremony I was struck with the thought that God is so much bigger than I am.
How dare I resent God for moving people about whom I care so far away? Who do I think I am?
God's purposes are far greater than I can even imagine.
This was a big deal for me. That night was really an eye opener as far as showing me how so many people are willing to give up everything to follow God.
I was also struck with the fact that I have never felt that "on fire" feeling that it seems everyone else has. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was younger, when I know I don't feel the same way everyone else does, but I don't know why? Is it because I don't want to give up my strongholds of "sin"? It's not so much that I'm unwilling to, I don't think I know how to do so. I really don't know what I should do to follow God.
And yet, this isn't true. I know I should pray and read the Bible and have open communication with Him, and I stubbornly procrastinate on this.
Tonight I went to Winter Jam, and I realized a few things.
First, I feel like I've wasted so much time. I left church over four years ago. That's when I quit caring, anyway. All this time I've been running away for everything, but tonight seeing all those youth, and remembering what it was like to BE one of them, I felt like I'd cheated myself.
Second, on the same note, I really hate that I put so much time and effort into hating some people. I decided to hate them almost immediately (I had my reasons, but they were seeped in emotional insecurities), and didn't come around until about six months ago. Now, they're gone. It's too late. I missed out on having the relationship with them that I could have had, that I would have had if I weren't so stubborn and stupid.
These are things that have been weighing on my heart a lot lately.
I don't know where I'm going in my life. I want to let God lead me, but...I don't have words to describe what's holding me back. I don't even understand it myself, so I know I will never be able to explain it here.
tl;dr
People I like and care about are going far away, but I don't resent God for it anymore, and I hate that I ever did resent God.
I never have, nor do I now feel the way I think I should about God and I don't know why.
I hate that I've spent so many years of my life running away from the same things to which I am now trying to get back.
This is also true of people, except now that I realize those people mean something to me, they're pretty much gone.
Wednesday night, I requested off work nearly a month in advance because I was determined not to miss the appointment service for some people from church who are going to South America as missionaries.
The reason that it was so important to me that I go was that I was afraid it might be the last time I got to see them before they left, and I didn't want to miss out on that.
I've been trying to avoid thinking about them leaving for a while now, because to put it simply, I didn't want to deal with the fact that they are moving far away. However, during the ceremony I was struck with the thought that God is so much bigger than I am.
How dare I resent God for moving people about whom I care so far away? Who do I think I am?
God's purposes are far greater than I can even imagine.
This was a big deal for me. That night was really an eye opener as far as showing me how so many people are willing to give up everything to follow God.
I was also struck with the fact that I have never felt that "on fire" feeling that it seems everyone else has. I'm starting to feel like I did when I was younger, when I know I don't feel the same way everyone else does, but I don't know why? Is it because I don't want to give up my strongholds of "sin"? It's not so much that I'm unwilling to, I don't think I know how to do so. I really don't know what I should do to follow God.
And yet, this isn't true. I know I should pray and read the Bible and have open communication with Him, and I stubbornly procrastinate on this.
Tonight I went to Winter Jam, and I realized a few things.
First, I feel like I've wasted so much time. I left church over four years ago. That's when I quit caring, anyway. All this time I've been running away for everything, but tonight seeing all those youth, and remembering what it was like to BE one of them, I felt like I'd cheated myself.
Second, on the same note, I really hate that I put so much time and effort into hating some people. I decided to hate them almost immediately (I had my reasons, but they were seeped in emotional insecurities), and didn't come around until about six months ago. Now, they're gone. It's too late. I missed out on having the relationship with them that I could have had, that I would have had if I weren't so stubborn and stupid.
These are things that have been weighing on my heart a lot lately.
I don't know where I'm going in my life. I want to let God lead me, but...I don't have words to describe what's holding me back. I don't even understand it myself, so I know I will never be able to explain it here.
tl;dr
People I like and care about are going far away, but I don't resent God for it anymore, and I hate that I ever did resent God.
I never have, nor do I now feel the way I think I should about God and I don't know why.
I hate that I've spent so many years of my life running away from the same things to which I am now trying to get back.
This is also true of people, except now that I realize those people mean something to me, they're pretty much gone.
Friday, February 12, 2010
It's not too late, it's never too late.
Sometimes it seems like the only thing that has changed is the way in which I think about God. I believe, but I don't seem to be living out what I believe. I think partially I'm afraid. I get quite a bit of crap at work for just believing in God, going to church, and occasionally posting a Bible verse on my Facebook status.
Every time I'm sitting in church, I am reminded of how incredible I find the Bible, and I tell myself I'm going to read it on a more regular basis. By the time I get home, though, I always do something else instead. I really find it far to easy to put this off, over and over again.
Church has gotten a lot easier. For a while, it was really hard for me to talk myself into going. I knew it was a good thing, but my emotions made it hard to sit through a service without running away. Even though it's not so hard anymore, I can't help but think about all the times I ran, and all the hiding places I found there. I actually enjoy going to church now. I pushed through the hard part, and I think it's okay now.
Memphis got snow. This never happens. Last year schools were closed because snow was predicted, even though there was no snow, ice, or even rain. The first weekend we just got ice, which wasn't so bad until I got stuck in the mud and then had a flat tire. I had to be at work at six the next morning, and it was already ten o'clock at night when I got home with my flat tire. I was emotionally exhausted and just plain overwhelmed, and didn't know what to do. After Dad was on his way to change my tire, I tried to calm myself down.
I posted on Facebook and Twitter, then went outside to smoke a cigarette. While I was out there, I realized that it was once again time to let God take control. I prayed and cried and I knew that while I was too overwhelmed, God could handle anything.
I came back inside and had a text message from a friend, telling me that she and her husband were praying for me. It meant so much, like God had heard my prayers and that text was sent by Him to comfort me. Then I opened my Bible and started looking up verses to comfort me. It was really amazing how much it helped. If you know me, you know that once I get to certain point, I tend to just implode, and I don't really know how to stop.
God saved me.
I'm not giving up yet, but I really do feel like I'm failing God much of the time. He is always there for me, but I tend to forget that.
Every time I'm sitting in church, I am reminded of how incredible I find the Bible, and I tell myself I'm going to read it on a more regular basis. By the time I get home, though, I always do something else instead. I really find it far to easy to put this off, over and over again.
Church has gotten a lot easier. For a while, it was really hard for me to talk myself into going. I knew it was a good thing, but my emotions made it hard to sit through a service without running away. Even though it's not so hard anymore, I can't help but think about all the times I ran, and all the hiding places I found there. I actually enjoy going to church now. I pushed through the hard part, and I think it's okay now.
Memphis got snow. This never happens. Last year schools were closed because snow was predicted, even though there was no snow, ice, or even rain. The first weekend we just got ice, which wasn't so bad until I got stuck in the mud and then had a flat tire. I had to be at work at six the next morning, and it was already ten o'clock at night when I got home with my flat tire. I was emotionally exhausted and just plain overwhelmed, and didn't know what to do. After Dad was on his way to change my tire, I tried to calm myself down.
I posted on Facebook and Twitter, then went outside to smoke a cigarette. While I was out there, I realized that it was once again time to let God take control. I prayed and cried and I knew that while I was too overwhelmed, God could handle anything.
I came back inside and had a text message from a friend, telling me that she and her husband were praying for me. It meant so much, like God had heard my prayers and that text was sent by Him to comfort me. Then I opened my Bible and started looking up verses to comfort me. It was really amazing how much it helped. If you know me, you know that once I get to certain point, I tend to just implode, and I don't really know how to stop.
God saved me.
I'm not giving up yet, but I really do feel like I'm failing God much of the time. He is always there for me, but I tend to forget that.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I don't think I've ever really understood this somewhat cliche phrase, but it hit me all of the sudden last night at work. Everything always changes, but it changes the same way it has always changed, and will continue to change.
This applies to work, very well right now, but it also applies to other areas of my life. Most significantly right now would be the way people come and go from my life. Maybe it's this way with everyone, or maybe I really do have more people drift away from me than is normal. I don't know.
I remember a few years ago, I found two songs that, when put together expressed exactly how I felt about this:
BarlowGirl's "Pedestal" and Michelle Branch's "Goodbye To You"
I have a tendency to put people on a pedestal - I expect more of them than is fair, and sooner or later they end up letting me down. I then blame them for this, which is not fair because they are only human, we all make mistakes, and most importantly, I had no business expecting so much of them in the first place.
When I listen to "Pedestal" now, I hear it differently. Instead of thinking about all the people who have let me down in the past, I hear a promise that God will not let me down, no matter how many other people have.
God is always there, even when I don't want to think about Him.
That is really an incredible promise. Why do I continue to put my faith in mere humans who will always let me down (even when they don't intend to - no one can live up to my expectations of them. I'm pretty sure it simply is not possible.) when God is right here and wants nothing more than for me to put all of my faith and trust in Him.
On another note, this issue I have been dealing with for the past week and a half or so is getting a little bit easier to push away. I don't have the courage or the guts to even try to get it out of my life for good, but I think I'm getting closer to that point now. Prayers would be appreciated in this area. I don't have the strength, but I know that God does.
This applies to work, very well right now, but it also applies to other areas of my life. Most significantly right now would be the way people come and go from my life. Maybe it's this way with everyone, or maybe I really do have more people drift away from me than is normal. I don't know.
I remember a few years ago, I found two songs that, when put together expressed exactly how I felt about this:
BarlowGirl's "Pedestal" and Michelle Branch's "Goodbye To You"
I have a tendency to put people on a pedestal - I expect more of them than is fair, and sooner or later they end up letting me down. I then blame them for this, which is not fair because they are only human, we all make mistakes, and most importantly, I had no business expecting so much of them in the first place.
When I listen to "Pedestal" now, I hear it differently. Instead of thinking about all the people who have let me down in the past, I hear a promise that God will not let me down, no matter how many other people have.
God is always there, even when I don't want to think about Him.
That is really an incredible promise. Why do I continue to put my faith in mere humans who will always let me down (even when they don't intend to - no one can live up to my expectations of them. I'm pretty sure it simply is not possible.) when God is right here and wants nothing more than for me to put all of my faith and trust in Him.
On another note, this issue I have been dealing with for the past week and a half or so is getting a little bit easier to push away. I don't have the courage or the guts to even try to get it out of my life for good, but I think I'm getting closer to that point now. Prayers would be appreciated in this area. I don't have the strength, but I know that God does.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
If you believe when I said, I'd be better off without you, you never realy knew me at all.
Sometimes, I think it would be a lot easier to just forget about everything and just go back to not believing in anything in particular, and not really trying to figure out what the Truth is.
As it is though, I do believe in God, and the Bible. And I believe that I should be living my life differently from the way I am.
I made a New Year's Resolution to spend time with God everyday. I have not come close to keeping that. I find it so easy to make excuses day after day. It's not hard for me to find a reason to put something off until the next day.
I work from twelve to close every Sunday. Theoretically, I can go to church before work. Church starts at 10:30am and gets out, usually, between 11:30 and 11:45. It takes 16-17 minutes to get to work from church.
I've gone on Sundays, but not regularly. I close every Saturday night, and I have a hard time waking up early on Sunday mornings.
I've been off on Wednesday nights for the most part, so I have no excuse to go to church then.
I've been struggling with everything.
There's one issue that keeps coming back up, and I don't know that I have what it takes to make it go away once and for all. I like keeping the possibility alive, even if I know it's 1) wrong, and 2) not even something I want to keep doing.
But because I can't or won't just end this issue, I find myself trying to avoid God. It seems easier that way.
I told someone I would finish reading Crazy Love by the end of December. I didn't. When I finally did start reading it, I found that it was really amazing.
Yet, I still haven't finished it.
Now I feel like I'm letting this person down. Any time I have someone in my life who doesn't want to give up on me, someone whom I can trust and who will sit down with me and spend time talking to me, I end up pushing them away until they finally DO go away.
Church is getting harder for me. I have a hard time going, knowing that I'm pretty much reliving the same reason that I left the church four years ago.
Four years ago, we got a new youth minister. I had already decided that I had already gone through too many and I wasn't interested in starting over again. Now we have a new pastor, and I'm really struggling with the idea of all these beginnings and endings - even if they're all good.
I just have a really hard time with change.
I guess, the truth is that I have a lot of emotional issues and they tend to rear their ugly heads at inconvenient times.
I just don't think I know how to have a real relationship with God. It's turning out to be much harder than I had anticipated.
As it is though, I do believe in God, and the Bible. And I believe that I should be living my life differently from the way I am.
I made a New Year's Resolution to spend time with God everyday. I have not come close to keeping that. I find it so easy to make excuses day after day. It's not hard for me to find a reason to put something off until the next day.
I work from twelve to close every Sunday. Theoretically, I can go to church before work. Church starts at 10:30am and gets out, usually, between 11:30 and 11:45. It takes 16-17 minutes to get to work from church.
I've gone on Sundays, but not regularly. I close every Saturday night, and I have a hard time waking up early on Sunday mornings.
I've been off on Wednesday nights for the most part, so I have no excuse to go to church then.
I've been struggling with everything.
There's one issue that keeps coming back up, and I don't know that I have what it takes to make it go away once and for all. I like keeping the possibility alive, even if I know it's 1) wrong, and 2) not even something I want to keep doing.
But because I can't or won't just end this issue, I find myself trying to avoid God. It seems easier that way.
I told someone I would finish reading Crazy Love by the end of December. I didn't. When I finally did start reading it, I found that it was really amazing.
Yet, I still haven't finished it.
Now I feel like I'm letting this person down. Any time I have someone in my life who doesn't want to give up on me, someone whom I can trust and who will sit down with me and spend time talking to me, I end up pushing them away until they finally DO go away.
Church is getting harder for me. I have a hard time going, knowing that I'm pretty much reliving the same reason that I left the church four years ago.
Four years ago, we got a new youth minister. I had already decided that I had already gone through too many and I wasn't interested in starting over again. Now we have a new pastor, and I'm really struggling with the idea of all these beginnings and endings - even if they're all good.
I just have a really hard time with change.
I guess, the truth is that I have a lot of emotional issues and they tend to rear their ugly heads at inconvenient times.
I just don't think I know how to have a real relationship with God. It's turning out to be much harder than I had anticipated.
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