What will people think if they hear that I'm a Jesus freak? What will people do if they find out it's true?

It's been a while since I've been on here.  I've thought about it, but I couldn't really think of much to say, because I just don't have much to say about all things spiritual.  Lately I've been working ever Sunday morning and night, and Wednesday night, so I haven't been able to go to church.  I miss it.

Wednesday night, I requested off work nearly a month in advance because I was determined not to miss the appointment service for some people from church who are going to South America as missionaries.
The reason that it was so important to me that I go was that I was afraid it might be the last time I got to see them before they left, and I didn't want to miss out on that.
I've been trying to avoid thinking about them leaving for a while now, because to put it simply, I didn't want to deal with the fact that they are moving far away.  However, during the ceremony I was struck with the thought that God is so much bigger than I am.
How dare I resent God for moving people about whom I care so far away?  Who do I think I am?

God's purposes are far greater than I can even imagine.


This was a big deal for me.  That night was really an eye opener as far as showing me how so many people are willing to give up everything to follow God.
I was also struck with the fact that I have never felt that "on fire" feeling that it seems everyone else has.  I'm starting to feel like I did when I was younger, when I know I don't feel the same way everyone else does, but I don't know why?  Is it because I don't want to give up my strongholds of "sin"?  It's not so much that I'm unwilling to, I don't think I know how to do so.  I really don't know what I should do to follow God.
And yet, this isn't true.  I know I should pray and read the Bible and have open communication with Him, and I stubbornly procrastinate on this.

Tonight I went to Winter Jam, and I realized a few things.

First, I feel like I've wasted so much time.  I left church over four years ago.  That's when I quit caring, anyway.  All this time I've been running away for everything, but tonight seeing all those youth, and remembering what it was like to BE one of them, I felt like I'd cheated myself.
Second, on the same note, I really hate that I put so much time and effort into hating some people.  I decided to hate them almost immediately (I had my reasons, but they were seeped in emotional insecurities), and didn't come around until about six months ago.  Now, they're gone.  It's too late.  I missed out on having the relationship with them that I could have had, that I would have had if I weren't so stubborn and stupid.


These are things that have been weighing on my heart a lot lately.

I don't know where I'm going in my life.  I want to let God lead me, but...I don't have words to describe what's holding me back.  I don't even understand it myself, so I know I will never be able to explain it here.



tl;dr
People I like and care about are going far away, but I don't resent God for it anymore, and I hate that I ever did resent God.
I never have, nor do I now feel the way I think I should about God and I don't know why.
I hate that I've spent so many years of my life running away from the same things to which I am now trying to get back.
This is also true of people, except now that I realize those people mean something to me, they're pretty much gone.