Surrender

I think I had good intentions when I started this blog.  I really do.  But then, the more I’ve thought about it, I realized it is actually more of a way of looking at God and the Bible from an intellectual perspective. 

It’s safer for me that way.  Really, honestly starting – or renewing – a relationship with God is much harder for me, and requires a lot of emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is not something with which I am comfortable.  I’m emotionally insecure anyway.

Sunday, a lot of things came up for me at work; things that I thought I had put behind me.  It was a really tough day for me.  Quite a few things went wrong at work, on top of feeling like I’d been slapped in the face by some rumors about me that I thought were over.  All in all, I had a really long and difficult day.

Then there was yet another situation, something I'd prayed about the last time it came up.  God took care of the situation then, and when it came up again Sunday night, God took care of it then too.  I was amazed.  God protected me even when I was afraid to let him have control of my life.

Monday night I was thinking about all of this, and more.  I realized a couple of things.

First, I realized that I am not very good at controlling my life.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I feel very lost and scared.  I’m not good at dealing with the unknown – I like to know what’s going to happen, to have a plan written down, and to be able to stick to that plan.  And right now, my life has far too many areas of uncertainty for my comfort.

Second, I really shouldn't take a whole lot of credit for my life having worked out so far.  While it is true that everything has worked out thus far, I’m not sure how much of that is really due to me.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my short life, and God has been looking out for me.  There’s no other explanation.  God has saved me from many things, including myself, and He must have a reason for that.  And if He loves me that much, then why shouldn't I trust Him enough to give Him complete control over my life?

So I finally broke down Monday night.  (While watching The Hannah Montana movie. O.o)  This breaking point was not the lowest I’ve ever been, and for that I am grateful.  Still, I broke down and gave up.  I can’t do this.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I need help.

I have to trust God. 

Surrender has been something that has scared me.  I don’t want to be willing to surrender everything, because I’m afraid God might want me to give up something that I don’t want to give up.  In the end though, I believe that whatever God asks me to give up with be for the best.  I trust Him.

This is something with which I am still struggling.  I am something of a control freak, and the idea of letting go of all of this drama going on right now is very difficult for me to grasp.  I feel like I need to be doing damage control for my reputation, but at the same time I know that I really need to let go of all of this, stop holding grudges, and move on.

I’m tired of the roller coaster I’ve been riding for so long.  Up, down, up down, up, down.  It never seems to end.  When things go great for a while, they always come crashing down.  There seems to be a equal or greater low for every high.  And I'm sick of it.  I can’t do this anymore.

I just gave up.

But I’m not sure how to do this.  I don’t know how to surrender.  It’s something I’m talking to God about a lot lately.

I don’t really like to do things I can’t win.  I am very competitive.  I don’t like to lose.  But when I come back to God and church, I don’t even know how to play.  I’m trying to figure out what to do, and I don’t have any idea where to start.

It’s very scary for me. 

Salvation – How do we achieve it, and can it be lost?

There are a lot of phrases that are overused in the Southern Baptist world.  Phrases like “saved” and “come to Jesus” seem to make it easy to miss the point entirely.

What does it really mean to “get saved”?  When I was growing up, it meant walking down the Romans Road (Romans 3:23, 6:23, 5:8, 10:13, 10:9-10, and Revelation 3:20), which ended with praying a prayer that went something like “Dear Jesus, I realize that I am a sinner and that the wages of sin is death.  I believe that you died on the cross to forgive my sins, and I accept you into my heart as my Lord and Savior.  Amen.”

Maybe this is something special to me, but I think I really missed the point here.  I guess I took this as ‘Ok, I pray this prayer and really mean it and then Jesus comes to live in my heart and everything is spectacular.  Oh yeah, and I’ll be super pumped about Jesus and want to tell everyone, and Jesus will talk to my heart and I won’t have to deal with the tough questions in life because Jesus will take care of all of that.’

Is that really so wrong?

As I’m reading the Bible now, at age twenty-one, six years after I decided I didn’t want to believe in God anymore and after having been out of church for three years, I suddenly realize that there is a lot I missed.

The premise might have been right, but I never really GOT what all of this meant.

Is this a problem with the message itself, or with the way I perceived it?

I can vaguely remember being three years old and telling my mom, as she was leaving my room after tucking me into bed, “I want to get saved.”

That night I prayed the prayer with my mom, and then I was baptized. 

But I was only three. 

What three year old do you know who can really grasp the concepts written in the Bible?  All I knew what the simple facts.  You know, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little ones to Him belong, they are weak but He is strong.  Yes, Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, yes Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”  And, as it turns out, my knowledge did not increase proportionally with my age. 

Is the concept of salvation something that can really be understood by someone so young?  I know that Jesus said “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”  (Mark 10:14)  But it says “such as these”.  It does not say the kingdom of God belongs to little children, but that it belongs to those LIKE little children.  Childlike faith does not necessarily come from a child.  Right?

When I was in middle and high school, I knew something was wrong.  Ryan Fontenot was the youth leader at my church when I was in 7^th grade.  Anyone who has been fortunate enough to have heard him speak knows that he is an incredible evangelist.  I heard this evangelical message week after week after week, and I always felt that something was wrong with me.  Like, somehow I had done it wrong.  I must have prayed incorrectly or not really believed, because I certainly didn’t feel saved.

I remember countless nights lying in bed praying, and often crying, for God to save me.

And every night, I felt like my prayers bounced of the ceiling. 

The more I think about it now, I realize that it wasn’t the message I heard growing up that was so wrong, but simply my understanding of it.

I misinterpreted everything about church, and came to loathe it.  I rejected Church –and God – because I felt like I had been rejected first. 

Being the good church kid was so EASY.  I knew I was faking, but it was easier to pretend, even to myself, that it was real.  Besides, being a leader in the youth group didn’t necessarily mean having such a great relationship with God; all I had to do was be at every youth function, participate in class, and know all the answers.

I had far too much pride to admit to anyone that there was something wrong with me or I had been praying the prayer wrong for years.

The simple phrases like “getting saved” seem to miss the point of what “salvation” really is.

It seems to me, based on what I’ve been reading, that the point of a relationship with Christ is not supposed to be about saving ourselves from eternal damnation.  The point is supposed to be to serve and honor God because He created us in His image (Genesis 1:27) to do so.  Salvation is simply a result of this.

Am I wrong here?

I’ve been reading the conversation between Jesus and the rich young man over and over. 

Matthew 19:16-30

Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied.  “There is only One who is good.  If you want to enter life, obey the commandments.”

“Which ones?” the man inquired.

Jesus replied, “’Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

“All these I have kept,” the young man said, “What do I still lack?”

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then come, follow me.”

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he great wealth.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you!  What then will there be for us?”

Jesus said to them, “I tell you the truth, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel.  And every one who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children of fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.

This same conversation is also in Mark 10:17-31 and Luke 18:18-34.

This seems extremely straightforward.  Do not approach Jesus solely as a means of saving yourself.  Rather, give up everything in order to follow Him, and as a result of focusing completely on THIS goal, you will accomplish the other because you will have a place saved for you in Heaven.

Straightforward, yes.  What I want to hear?  Absolutely not.

When I was three years old, I had no capacity to understand this.  When I was thirteen, I may have had the capacity to understand this, but I did not understand it.  When I was fifteen and gave up on God, I still did not understand this.  Now I am twenty-one, and I still don’t know if I completely understand this idea, but I think I’m closer to that point than I was before.

`

But there is more about salvation in the Bible.

1 John 4:15-16

“If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.”

1 John 5:10-12

“Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart.  Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son.  And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son.  He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life.”

My interpretation of this is that all we have to do is believe in God.  This is in line with everything I’ve ever heard, but does NOT seem to line up with the teaching of Jesus.  How is that possible?  I must be misinterpreting something wrong.

There are other verses that I could pull up that would support either of these arguments, but I hope that my point has been made clear. 

I really am looking for answers and not just trying to point out issues with the Bible. 

And here is another problem that I find with the idea presented by Jesus’ words:

Can salvation be lost?

From what I’ve always heard, once a Child of God, always a Child of God. (Like in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe: “Once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia.”  I’m pretty sure that C.S. Lewis was alluding to salvation here, but I could be wrong.)

Is it possible to really, honestly believe in the Son of God and then to – just not?  Can true faith ever be lost?  Is it possible for Satan to steal God’s children? 

Drawing from the Gospels, is it possible to surrender your life to God and to later UN-surrender your life? 

And if this is possible, what would happen when you die?  When you stand before God at your judgment day, what would happen?  Is it just that you have to be at the right place in your heart when you die, kind of a luck of the draw kind of thing, (except without luck since God is omniscient and omnipotent, which kind of makes luck null and void)?

I still wonder “what is wrong with me”.  Why do I find these things so hard to comprehend, when I see so many people around me able to accept this with no problem – people much younger than I am, and who have had much less exposure to this message.  Why can’t I just accept it?  Why do I have all these questions?

If anything here is unclear, let me know and I will do my best to clarify.

If anyone has any thoughts on anything I’ve talked about here, please do not hesitate to share them.  All ideas are welcome and appreciated. 

It is my hope that some discussions will arise from this blog, because I really do long for theological discussion in which I can be open and honest, and not be judged. 

Discovering the Truth

I've been doing a lot of thinking about God, and the Bible, and everything that I've heard my whole life regarding Christianity and Church.  I've been reading the New Testament quite a bit in the last week or two, and I'm discovering some interesting facts.
First, I am amazed at the number of verses that I have memorized incorrectly.  As I go through the New Testament and read verses that I've heard my whole life and had memorized for years, I'm really surprised at how many of them I have NOT memorized word for word as I thought I had.
Second, moreso even than having missed a word or two here and there (which really bothers me mostly because  I'm a little anal retentive sometimes...), as I actually read these verses in the context in which they were written - and intended to be read - I get a whole new perspective on them.
I've become fairly adept at taking verses of Scripture out of context and twisting it, so that I am able to use it in arguments or whatnot.  But now, going through the words of Paul and actually reading it, with the intention of - I don't know exactly.  Would it sound really corny or cliche if I said I am trying to find God?
Anyway, the point is that I am reading the Bible with good intentions.
And as I do this, I am making notes and using post its, and really finding a lot of interesting things.  Many things that I have heard my whole life, growing up in Southern Baptist churches, do not seem to be backed up by Scripture.

I will bring up specific instances of this in future posts.


I don't really know what the *purpose* of this blog is, or if anyone is going to read it.  However, I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, and I need an outlet for them.  Plus, I learned many years ago that the best way for me to sort through an overwhelming number of complex thoughts is to write them down.