Surrender

I think I had good intentions when I started this blog.  I really do.  But then, the more I’ve thought about it, I realized it is actually more of a way of looking at God and the Bible from an intellectual perspective. 

It’s safer for me that way.  Really, honestly starting – or renewing – a relationship with God is much harder for me, and requires a lot of emotional vulnerability.  Emotional vulnerability is not something with which I am comfortable.  I’m emotionally insecure anyway.

Sunday, a lot of things came up for me at work; things that I thought I had put behind me.  It was a really tough day for me.  Quite a few things went wrong at work, on top of feeling like I’d been slapped in the face by some rumors about me that I thought were over.  All in all, I had a really long and difficult day.

Then there was yet another situation, something I'd prayed about the last time it came up.  God took care of the situation then, and when it came up again Sunday night, God took care of it then too.  I was amazed.  God protected me even when I was afraid to let him have control of my life.

Monday night I was thinking about all of this, and more.  I realized a couple of things.

First, I realized that I am not very good at controlling my life.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I feel very lost and scared.  I’m not good at dealing with the unknown – I like to know what’s going to happen, to have a plan written down, and to be able to stick to that plan.  And right now, my life has far too many areas of uncertainty for my comfort.

Second, I really shouldn't take a whole lot of credit for my life having worked out so far.  While it is true that everything has worked out thus far, I’m not sure how much of that is really due to me.  I've made a lot of mistakes in my short life, and God has been looking out for me.  There’s no other explanation.  God has saved me from many things, including myself, and He must have a reason for that.  And if He loves me that much, then why shouldn't I trust Him enough to give Him complete control over my life?

So I finally broke down Monday night.  (While watching The Hannah Montana movie. O.o)  This breaking point was not the lowest I’ve ever been, and for that I am grateful.  Still, I broke down and gave up.  I can’t do this.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  I need help.

I have to trust God. 

Surrender has been something that has scared me.  I don’t want to be willing to surrender everything, because I’m afraid God might want me to give up something that I don’t want to give up.  In the end though, I believe that whatever God asks me to give up with be for the best.  I trust Him.

This is something with which I am still struggling.  I am something of a control freak, and the idea of letting go of all of this drama going on right now is very difficult for me to grasp.  I feel like I need to be doing damage control for my reputation, but at the same time I know that I really need to let go of all of this, stop holding grudges, and move on.

I’m tired of the roller coaster I’ve been riding for so long.  Up, down, up down, up, down.  It never seems to end.  When things go great for a while, they always come crashing down.  There seems to be a equal or greater low for every high.  And I'm sick of it.  I can’t do this anymore.

I just gave up.

But I’m not sure how to do this.  I don’t know how to surrender.  It’s something I’m talking to God about a lot lately.

I don’t really like to do things I can’t win.  I am very competitive.  I don’t like to lose.  But when I come back to God and church, I don’t even know how to play.  I’m trying to figure out what to do, and I don’t have any idea where to start.

It’s very scary for me.