Stubborness

10.10.09

I’m very tempted to give up on this whole God issue altogether.  I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it is.  I had so many intellectual reservations, and they have all been taken care of.  More than that, I am fully aware that I apparently kind of suck at running my own life and am more than willing to accept that God could run my life much better.

Overall, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing with my life.  I still feel like a lost little girl far too much of the time.  I’m 21 years old now, I have my own apartment, I support myself, and I’m a shift leader at my job.  It feels like a charade though.  This is not who I want to be – or maybe it’s just not who I really am. 

So, knowing all of this, why do I continue to refuse to let go and let God take over?  I wish I could say that I don’t know.  I do know.  I know exactly why I am being so stubborn.

Last year I made a lot of stupid decisions.  Ramifications of these problems continue to pop up even now, usually out of the blue.  I’m trying to distance myself from the person I was last summer.  That is not how I want to be known.

However – and this is going to sound pretty stupid after having said that – there is this one little aspect I’m having a lot of trouble letting go.  I did a really good job of it for a while.  I put it behind me completely…and then, in the last month or two, it has come back as things so often tend to do.

I buckled.  What can I say, I’m still young and stupid, and apparently incapable of sticking to my resolution to be a better person.

Now the issue is that I’m really struggling with even making that resolution again.  I know what I need to do, what I should do.  But then there are times that what I want to do just seems so much stronger.  I can make excuses really, really well.  I know my arguments, and I can always talk myself out of doing what’s right. 

There are so many reasons not to keep this issue alive.  My close friends don’t want me to – and this is something I simply avoid telling them because I don’t want to deal with the fight that will ensue.  These are people who really care about me, and I choose to keep things from them because I know what I’m doing is wrong.

There are far more rumors going around about me than I would like.  I’m trying to ignore and hoping everything will eventually blow over, that people will forget.  So, tell me, please, why am I even thinking about doing something that, if it were to get out –and everything always does, and I don’t know how – would start everything all over again.

I don’t understand why I’m even thinking about this.  It seems like a no brainer.  Don’t do it.

I need to just make up my mind, and stick to my resolution.  If I really decide that I don’t want to do something I know that I can stick to that.  I can be very strong willed – the problem here is that I find it so difficult to make up my mind in the first place.

This is the main reason I don’t want to surrender.  I know it’s wrong, but I haven’t completely decided not to keep it up.  There are about 20 different reasons to quit, but I still don’t know what I’m going to do. 

I guess by writing this and putting it out there for people to read, I’m doing something.  It might be a huge mistake.

But since I don’t know what I’m doing in most areas of my life, why should this blog be any different?

That’s not the only issue with my refusal to give in to God.

I don’t want to admit to everyone that I was wrong. 

I don’t want to get up in front of people. 

I want this to be private.  I am aware that if I have a real relationship with God I need to share it. 

It is also very likely that the reason I’ve slacked off lately is because going any further takes me somewhere from where I cannot come back.  I’m on the brink, but I’m hesitating to go any farther.  I think I’m scared.

Scared and stubborn seems to be a really bad combination for me.

I wrote the above on Monday, after talking myself out of going to church before work on Sunday morning.

Then on Tuesday, Kayla’s baby was born.  Logan Andrew.

I can’t explain it, but something has happened.  I love him.  I’m looking forward to watching him grow up.  If I hadn’t already given up the idea of always having suicide as a back-door option, I would have now.

I’m not sure what the resolution in this is, but there is one, I know it. 

I keep thinking of it as a miracle, the whole idea of childbirth.  My hard shell is being cracked, a little at a time.  I’m not so cynical anymore.  A while back I realized that I believe in love and hope that I find it.  I’m not living like I expect to die soon anymore.  I’m actually looking forward to having a future now, for the first time in close to ten years. 

This is a miracle in itself, I think.

I found a playlist on my iPod today as I was lying around, trying to motivate myself to start working on my long to-do list.  I don’t remember making it, but scrolling through it I knew it was a list of songs I like to listen to when I’m, shall we say, less happy.  I put it on shuffle and started listening to it, and it’s amazing.  Exactly what I wanted to hear.

On song, Pedestal by BarlowGirl, really hit home.  I am well aware that I have a very strong tendency to put people that I look up to on a pedestal and expect too much from them.  Then, when they cannot hold up my impossible standards that I usually don’t even realize I have for them, I get hurt.  Over and over again I’ve done this, and I only recently realized it.

I always liked that song, but it just hit me today that maybe there is a solution in the lyrics.  The whole point of the song is that no one is guaranteed to never let me down, except for God.

Having had this epiphany, I know that I should DO something about it.

I kept thinking about God and what I’m going to do about what I know and now somewhat believe.  But thinking about it isn’t enough.  I need to take this leap of faith, to surrender everything and know that God will take care of me.  It scares the crap out of me.  I’m kind of a control freak, and there are still some things I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to give up.