The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I don't think I've ever really understood this somewhat cliche phrase, but it hit me all of the sudden last night at work.  Everything always changes, but it changes the same way it has always changed, and will continue to change.

This applies to work, very well right now, but it also applies to other areas of my life.  Most significantly right now would be the way people come and go from my life.  Maybe it's this way with everyone, or maybe I really do have more people drift away from me than is normal.  I don't know.

I remember a few years ago, I found two songs that, when put together expressed exactly how I felt about this:
BarlowGirl's "Pedestal" and Michelle Branch's "Goodbye To You"
I have a tendency to put people on a pedestal - I expect more of them than is fair, and sooner or later they end up letting me down.  I then blame them for this, which is not fair because they are only human, we all make mistakes, and most importantly, I had no business expecting so much of them in the first place.

When I listen to "Pedestal" now, I hear it differently.  Instead of thinking about all the people who have let me down in the past, I hear a promise that God will not let me down, no matter how many other people have.
God is always there, even when I don't want to think about Him.
That is really an incredible promise.  Why do I continue to put my faith in mere humans who will always let me down (even when they don't intend to - no one can live up to my expectations of them.  I'm pretty sure it simply is not possible.) when God is right here and wants nothing more than for me to put all of my faith and trust in Him.

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On another note, this issue I have been dealing with for the past week and a half or so is getting a little bit easier to push away.  I don't have the courage or the guts to even try to get it out of my life for good, but I think I'm getting closer to that point now.  Prayers would be appreciated in this area.  I don't have the strength, but I know that God does.

If you believe when I said, I'd be better off without you, you never realy knew me at all.

Sometimes, I think it would be a lot easier to just forget about everything and just go back to not believing in anything in particular, and not really trying to figure out what the Truth is.

As it is though, I do believe in God, and the Bible.  And I believe that I should be living my life differently from the way I am.
I made a New Year's Resolution to spend time with God everyday.  I have not come close to keeping that.  I find it so easy to make excuses day after day.  It's not hard for me to find a reason to put something off until the next day.
I work from twelve to close every Sunday.  Theoretically, I can go to church before work.  Church starts at 10:30am and gets out, usually, between 11:30 and 11:45.  It takes 16-17 minutes to get to work from church.
I've gone on Sundays, but not regularly.  I close every Saturday night, and I have a hard time waking up early on Sunday mornings.
I've been off on Wednesday nights for the most part, so I have no excuse to go to church then.

I've been struggling with everything.
There's one issue that keeps coming back up, and I don't know that I have what it takes to make it go away once and for all.  I like keeping the possibility alive, even if I know it's 1) wrong, and 2) not even something I want to keep doing.
But because I can't or won't just end this issue, I find myself trying to avoid God.  It seems easier that way.


I told someone I would finish reading Crazy Love by the end of December.  I didn't.  When I finally did start reading it, I found that it was really amazing.
Yet, I still haven't finished it.
Now I feel like I'm letting this person down.  Any time I have someone in my life who doesn't want to give up on me, someone whom I can trust and who will sit down with me and spend time talking to me, I end up pushing them away until they finally DO go away.

Church is getting harder for me.  I have a hard time going, knowing that I'm pretty much reliving the same reason that I left the church four years ago.
Four years ago, we got a new youth minister. I had already decided that I had already gone through too many and I wasn't interested in starting over again.  Now we have a new pastor, and I'm really struggling with the idea of all these beginnings and endings - even if they're all good.
I just have a really hard time with change.

I guess, the truth is that I have a lot of emotional issues and they tend to rear their ugly heads at inconvenient times.


I just don't think I know how to have a real relationship with God.  It's turning out to be much harder than I had anticipated.