Sometimes, I think it would be a lot easier to just forget about everything and just go back to not believing in anything in particular, and not really trying to figure out what the Truth is.
As it is though, I do believe in God, and the Bible. And I believe that I should be living my life differently from the way I am.
I made a New Year's Resolution to spend time with God everyday. I have not come close to keeping that. I find it so easy to make excuses day after day. It's not hard for me to find a reason to put something off until the next day.
I work from twelve to close every Sunday. Theoretically, I can go to church before work. Church starts at 10:30am and gets out, usually, between 11:30 and 11:45. It takes 16-17 minutes to get to work from church.
I've gone on Sundays, but not regularly. I close every Saturday night, and I have a hard time waking up early on Sunday mornings.
I've been off on Wednesday nights for the most part, so I have no excuse to go to church then.
I've been struggling with everything.
There's one issue that keeps coming back up, and I don't know that I have what it takes to make it go away once and for all. I like keeping the possibility alive, even if I know it's 1) wrong, and 2) not even something I want to keep doing.
But because I can't or won't just end this issue, I find myself trying to avoid God. It seems easier that way.
I told someone I would finish reading Crazy Love by the end of December. I didn't. When I finally did start reading it, I found that it was really amazing.
Yet, I still haven't finished it.
Now I feel like I'm letting this person down. Any time I have someone in my life who doesn't want to give up on me, someone whom I can trust and who will sit down with me and spend time talking to me, I end up pushing them away until they finally DO go away.
Church is getting harder for me. I have a hard time going, knowing that I'm pretty much reliving the same reason that I left the church four years ago.
Four years ago, we got a new youth minister. I had already decided that I had already gone through too many and I wasn't interested in starting over again. Now we have a new pastor, and I'm really struggling with the idea of all these beginnings and endings - even if they're all good.
I just have a really hard time with change.
I guess, the truth is that I have a lot of emotional issues and they tend to rear their ugly heads at inconvenient times.
I just don't think I know how to have a real relationship with God. It's turning out to be much harder than I had anticipated.
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