Diving In

I’ve been fighting this for a long time. 

First, I ran away from everything I’d been taught my whole life in an attempt to get some perspective and figure out what I actually thought and believed myself instead of just accepting what was told to me.

This continued for years.  I desperately wanted to be an atheist, but I couldn’t reject everything that completely, so I settled for agnosticism.  My definition of this was that I didn’t believe there was a way to know whether or not there was a God.

Four or five years ago, someone told me to keep my heard and mind open, because God could be found in both.  I kept both open until I found God in both, and then I did a 180 degree turn and pretended I hadn’t seen it.

I have changed a lot from when I was fifteen and first discovered that there really were other belief systems in the world and that Christianity wasn’t the only option.  I’ve had quite a few people in my life who have forever changed the way I think.  I’ve been hurt, and I’ve hurt people.  I’ve graduated from high school (which I never thought would happen, because I was convinced I would kill myself before I got that far in life). 

I’ve come through a lot.  I’ve done a lot of stupid things, and made a lot of mistakes. 

I’ve come through everything, and I’m still here. 

It is true that it’s possible that I’ve just been lucky.  But it seems to me like someone must be looking out for me.  God must have been looking out for me.  He protected me from myself over and over.  He saved me and everyone else when I was too drunk to know what was happening.  He has always made a way for me.

I’ve been to my breaking point more than once, and I’ve always come back. 

I feel blessed.

Songs that I’ve heard my whole life suddenly have new meaning.  Songs I don’t even like are stuck in my head.  Twila Paris’ “God Is in Control”, Steven Curtis Chapman’s “Dive”, Superchic[k]’s “Help Me Out God”.  All of the sudden it’s like I understand.

God has put people in my life who will not let me give up on my spiritual search, and He has been working on my heart at the same time, making me more receptive.  Even so, I’m very stubborn and hard-headed. 

I had a very long list of reasons not to accept Christianity, and one by one they have all been refuted.  Then I had another list, this time a list of reasons I didn’t want to surrender.  I’ve been forced to see the stupidity in each of these.  All that remained was my simple stubbornness.

What changed?

I’ve been avoiding actually thinking about this all day.  I got called into work early, and got off late.  I came home and turned on the TV.  I watched TV all day.  I tend to always have some kind of noise on in my apartment, mostly because I don’t like silence.  The reason I don’t like silence is because then I am left alone with my thoughts, and I’m not really comfortable with that.  I’m getting better.  I think I’m trying to train myself to be a little less scared of silence, and of myself.

But anyway, I’ve spent the afternoon sitting on the couch watching TV to avoid dealing with the many thoughts on my mind.

At about eight o’clock, my GM called me and asked me to come in early again tomorrow.  I was pretty much expecting that.  However, he also told me that one of my co-workers had to go to the emergency room because he cut his hand at his second job and so probably would not be at work in the morning.

This coworker is one of my friends.  Instantly, the worry switch in my mind was flipped.  I worry a lot.  And I knew I had to DO something.  There wasn’t anything I could do for him, really.  But I just felt like I had to go somewhere or something. 

Not really sure what I was going to do, I left my apartment.  I started driving.  At some point I knew I was going to buy some more cigarettes so I wouldn’t have to do so in the morning. 

As I was driving, I suddenly realized that I was borderline suicidal.  I started thinking about what would happen if I just crashed into a tree or light pole.  As always, I figured I probably wouldn’t die.  And being afraid of surviving has kept me from trying to kill myself many times in the past.  Still, the realization that I even had the thoughts scared the crap out of me.

I didn’t even know where it came from, but it was a kind of wake up call for me.

I started praying, telling God that I just couldn’t do it anymore, that I didn’t know what I was doing in any area of my life or what I was going to do.  I’m tired of feeling lost and alone and I’m tired of worrying all the time and not being about to do anything.  At least if I pray and put the issue – whatever it is – in God’s hands, it’s not weighing on me quite so much anymore.

This was Tuesday night.  It is now Friday afternoon.

Over the past few days, I feel myself getting more comfortable with the idea of trusting God.  There are areas in my life in which I can already feel Him working.  I am stressed out and overwhelmed with work, but underneath it all I have a sense of peace, and I know that everything is going to be okay.

Stubborness

10.10.09

I’m very tempted to give up on this whole God issue altogether.  I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it is.  I had so many intellectual reservations, and they have all been taken care of.  More than that, I am fully aware that I apparently kind of suck at running my own life and am more than willing to accept that God could run my life much better.

Overall, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing with my life.  I still feel like a lost little girl far too much of the time.  I’m 21 years old now, I have my own apartment, I support myself, and I’m a shift leader at my job.  It feels like a charade though.  This is not who I want to be – or maybe it’s just not who I really am. 

So, knowing all of this, why do I continue to refuse to let go and let God take over?  I wish I could say that I don’t know.  I do know.  I know exactly why I am being so stubborn.

Last year I made a lot of stupid decisions.  Ramifications of these problems continue to pop up even now, usually out of the blue.  I’m trying to distance myself from the person I was last summer.  That is not how I want to be known.

However – and this is going to sound pretty stupid after having said that – there is this one little aspect I’m having a lot of trouble letting go.  I did a really good job of it for a while.  I put it behind me completely…and then, in the last month or two, it has come back as things so often tend to do.

I buckled.  What can I say, I’m still young and stupid, and apparently incapable of sticking to my resolution to be a better person.

Now the issue is that I’m really struggling with even making that resolution again.  I know what I need to do, what I should do.  But then there are times that what I want to do just seems so much stronger.  I can make excuses really, really well.  I know my arguments, and I can always talk myself out of doing what’s right. 

There are so many reasons not to keep this issue alive.  My close friends don’t want me to – and this is something I simply avoid telling them because I don’t want to deal with the fight that will ensue.  These are people who really care about me, and I choose to keep things from them because I know what I’m doing is wrong.

There are far more rumors going around about me than I would like.  I’m trying to ignore and hoping everything will eventually blow over, that people will forget.  So, tell me, please, why am I even thinking about doing something that, if it were to get out –and everything always does, and I don’t know how – would start everything all over again.

I don’t understand why I’m even thinking about this.  It seems like a no brainer.  Don’t do it.

I need to just make up my mind, and stick to my resolution.  If I really decide that I don’t want to do something I know that I can stick to that.  I can be very strong willed – the problem here is that I find it so difficult to make up my mind in the first place.

This is the main reason I don’t want to surrender.  I know it’s wrong, but I haven’t completely decided not to keep it up.  There are about 20 different reasons to quit, but I still don’t know what I’m going to do. 

I guess by writing this and putting it out there for people to read, I’m doing something.  It might be a huge mistake.

But since I don’t know what I’m doing in most areas of my life, why should this blog be any different?

That’s not the only issue with my refusal to give in to God.

I don’t want to admit to everyone that I was wrong. 

I don’t want to get up in front of people. 

I want this to be private.  I am aware that if I have a real relationship with God I need to share it. 

It is also very likely that the reason I’ve slacked off lately is because going any further takes me somewhere from where I cannot come back.  I’m on the brink, but I’m hesitating to go any farther.  I think I’m scared.

Scared and stubborn seems to be a really bad combination for me.

I wrote the above on Monday, after talking myself out of going to church before work on Sunday morning.

Then on Tuesday, Kayla’s baby was born.  Logan Andrew.

I can’t explain it, but something has happened.  I love him.  I’m looking forward to watching him grow up.  If I hadn’t already given up the idea of always having suicide as a back-door option, I would have now.

I’m not sure what the resolution in this is, but there is one, I know it. 

I keep thinking of it as a miracle, the whole idea of childbirth.  My hard shell is being cracked, a little at a time.  I’m not so cynical anymore.  A while back I realized that I believe in love and hope that I find it.  I’m not living like I expect to die soon anymore.  I’m actually looking forward to having a future now, for the first time in close to ten years. 

This is a miracle in itself, I think.

I found a playlist on my iPod today as I was lying around, trying to motivate myself to start working on my long to-do list.  I don’t remember making it, but scrolling through it I knew it was a list of songs I like to listen to when I’m, shall we say, less happy.  I put it on shuffle and started listening to it, and it’s amazing.  Exactly what I wanted to hear.

On song, Pedestal by BarlowGirl, really hit home.  I am well aware that I have a very strong tendency to put people that I look up to on a pedestal and expect too much from them.  Then, when they cannot hold up my impossible standards that I usually don’t even realize I have for them, I get hurt.  Over and over again I’ve done this, and I only recently realized it.

I always liked that song, but it just hit me today that maybe there is a solution in the lyrics.  The whole point of the song is that no one is guaranteed to never let me down, except for God.

Having had this epiphany, I know that I should DO something about it.

I kept thinking about God and what I’m going to do about what I know and now somewhat believe.  But thinking about it isn’t enough.  I need to take this leap of faith, to surrender everything and know that God will take care of me.  It scares the crap out of me.  I’m kind of a control freak, and there are still some things I’m not 100% sure I’m ready to give up.